so its thursday morning and i'm tired i made a few bad decisions last night not the kind you have to confront a teary eyed mother about later just the kind that make you wanna take the next day off and no i didn't drink i just went out really late in one of those college flashback moments of being hungry and lazy at midnight and that incident makes it sound less believable to say that i am really starting to grow in some very good ways such as responsibility but really am ready for my total money makeover i am enjoying my life but also feel it whizzing by way too fast i live for that short few hours between off of work and off to sleep and i enjoy making new friends and having new hopes despite the familiar territories i hate and yet live in and i feel very cold and frightened at the feeling that i am growing less and becoming stagnant in so many areas but the truth is i am not stagnant at this point just so damn busy that its hard to juggle life work friends god with these terribly few hours i have each week to live
work is killing my feet my dogs are barking every day but i other than that i don't mind the work too much aside for a guilty conscience from being a peddler of my debt to people debt they don't need and will only stand to ruin their lives i am only doing my job right but also being a terrible person to top it off i am not a 40 hour a week retail kind of career person
so i do kinda fee like i am slowly dying inside not terribly helped by the fact that my search for intimacy with god is somewhat reminiscient of a guy who has lost his wallet and looks everywhere he could have left it and then check everywhere again and is starting to feel that dread of counting the wallet as lost but very reluctant to call and cancel his credit cards because its like accepting defeat desperately hoping he will randomly catch a glimpse of that gorgeous brown leather somewhere he'd already looked but hadn't noticed it before
also i feel it is important to say that continuum by john mayer is probably my favorite album ever that sounds so trite because the album means so much more to me something in the music and the lyrics written resonates in some deep deep place in my soul that is challenging comforting sorrowful determined beautiful and strong gravity is in my list of top three songs ever the list is
and with that i must adjourn this line of thinking but not before saying life is very beautiful and i am learning and growing and just along for this ride that is my life and the new beck album is also really good and i try to be more manly and it often makes me more aware of all things that bring me to tears in appreciation of sheer beauty and wonder of Him and now i want to learn to surf.